Today (or rather, looking at the time, yesterday), I did two things I never thought I'd do.

The first was at a pole class, where I rather half-heartedly attempted to do a Shoulder Mount - not thinking that there was much point as I have never really managed to get it - and actually did it! It was a really weird moment where I felt completely out of control of my own body, but in a good way - as in, 'You mean I can do that?!?' Such an exhilarating feeling, to realise my body is more powerful than I thought it was. Capable of almost infinite possibilities. And yet limited - as I shall proceed to explain.

Because the second unbelievable thing I did was to fuck on the first date. Oh yes. Remember Boy #20? After a hell of a lot of fussing about, during which I thought he'd basically unloaded a heap of bullshit about re-enacting the lake scene of The Notebook - actually, in retrospect, I really should have seen that one coming, but I was plastered when I met him - we finally managed to meet up for a drink.

By a drink, I mean two double gin and cranberrys on an empty stomach, and apparently that is all it takes to get me into bed. One minute, we were making jokes about skinny dipping and I was laughing coyly when he said, 'Ah, you've got all night. So have I. Perhaps we'll sleep together?', and then we really were.

But... I just couldn't enjoy it somehow. Yes, he was good looking, tall, strong, could carry me and fuck me at the same time, but it didn't work for me. Because the lights were out, I could sob and sob silently, and the tears kept coming, and I just kept wondering when he'd finish. I think I might have hated it.

I liked him better once he'd finished and the light was on. I saw he had a tattoo of a dragon on his left shoulder - a sign? Although, perhaps, whether it was a good sign or not is certainly debatable. I told him he didn't have to feel obligated to call me. A stupid thing to say, but I was tired - tired from the day, from the fucking, from the goodbyes, from not knowing what I'm doing with myself, and from those boys who say they will but never do.

Once he left, I thought - TA is not the last boy to have fucked me now. And then, the moment that nearly made me cry again: Will Turner texts, 'Hey, what are you up to? x'